5 Things You Can Do to Be a Better Ally

What does being an effective ally actually look like? Here are a few things you can do to better interrupt racism, hate, and discrimination with your own actions.

1. Love and Accept Yourself

At first it might sound strange that turning your gaze inward can create change for others. But here’s one of the most important messages I can leave you with: We hate others because we don’t love ourselves. We fear others’ differences because we fear our own differences. And ultimately, we don’t love ourselves, and we fear our own differences, because others hate on us. It’s a vicious cycle that can only be interrupted by self-love. Only by loving ourselves unconditionally—which means embracing our own authenticity, including our differences—will we be able to recognize, understand, and value others’ differences.

2. Speak Less, Listen More

To listen to, believe, and affirm the lived experiences of people who have endured oppression is one of the most powerful things you can do as an ally.

We need people to hear us, hear our stories, and hear about the impact of hate. Many of us feel silenced and have had our experiences downplayed or minimized throughout our lives. Making room for our voices, really hearing what we say, and believing our truths is critical for both understanding and change.

Asking questions is a critical part of becoming a better ally, but before you do so, take the time to do your own learning about oppression. This way, you can ask questions from a place of some knowledge, and to deepen your understanding. And when you ask (respectfully, of course, and only when the other person is comfortable with sharing) be prepared to primarily listen and affirm.

3. Do Use Your Voice to Challenge Hate

An effective ally uses their voice to speak out against hate. When you observe racism, sexism, or other forms of oppression—be it overt or unconscious, with actions or words, at work or at home—speak out.

It’s not enough for people on the receiving end of hate to call it out—those with power and privilege must step up to do this as well. Doing so can be a powerful learning moment for yourself and for others.

4. Interrupt Your Own Biases

Every single one of us, without exception, has biases. And we need to know what our own biases are so that we can work on them.

Interrupting and owning your own part in racism, misogyny, and other forms of oppression is critical, and by changing your own behavior, you help to interrupt forms of overt and systemic oppression. Every action matters to help dismantle supremacy.

5. Be Resilient, and Have Humility

Even when you’re working your hardest to be an ally, you’re likely going to make mistakes. Somewhere along the way, you’ll probably end up saying or doing the wrong thing. (Happens to me all the time, and I teach inclusion for a living!)

Resilience and humility are key here. Acknowledge when you make a mistake, and apologize from your heart about the impact of your actions—but don’t let it stop you from continuing to learn and to support others. I’ve found that it’s important to approach each situation from the perspective of learning.

Sometimes we think that our individual actions alone don’t really matter or make a difference—but every drop in the ocean matters. Individuals really do alter the system, and, by changing your behavior after today, your solidarity can make a difference.